THAT 70S QUIZ: YOU ACE IT, YOU SURVIVED THE SUNNY SEVENTIES




  1. 1. "Hey man, at one point during the godforsaken seventies, which TV shows could you watch in a row without getting up to change the channel?"

    • A. Bionic Woman, Six Million Dollar Man, Rockford Files
    • B. Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Three’s Company
      Chico says the answer is B.
    • C. Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, The Waltons
    • D. Love American Style, Lucy Show, Little House on the Prairie
    bob and carol
    • 2. "Bob, Carol said Alice said Ted said even and odd refers to which one?"

    • A. Bionic Woman, Six Million Dollar Man, Rockford Files
    • B. Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Three’s Company
    • C. Mary Tyler Moore, Rhoda, The Waltons
      It’s Manson’s Fault, the Answer is C
    • D. Love American Style, Lucy Show, Little House on the Prairie

    • 3. "Amy, the world is coming to an end. Untold amounts of DDT are in our system. We are running out of energy, and the people want me to be cooler. Tell me, what are the characteristics of a though 70s Chicks."

    • A. She Wears Roach Clips
    • B. Razor Blades Under Her Tongue
    • C. Hangs Out at the Ice Chalet at Laurel Plaza
    • D. All of the Above
      Gloria, which Gloria? Maybe the one with the Ph.D. She said the answer is D

  2. After we moved into our little house in North Hollywood, not far from the Calls Apartments, my new friends indoctrinated me on the neighborhood sleaze pit. We clung to our plastic boards gliding through the courtyard while we identified the remnants of zigzags and condoms. Even after Mother lost the house in North Hollywood, and we were onto a dingbat apartment of our own, my association with the Calls Apartments continued. Once I started to develop, I returned for un-chaperoned spin the bottle games when moms were at work.

    By high school the Calls Apartments matriculated into gang banger territory. The white hesher chicks of the late 70’s complete with mullet hairdos and razor blades underneath their tongues, had either been sent off to reform school, or gotten PG. Their younger sisters died of pre-adolescent lung cancer, or were incarcerated for picking fights with eggheads at the Laurel Plaza Ice Skating Rink. By 1984, depending on which door you banged on, you had your choice of bargain priced dime bags, shrooms, and what hardcore losers called ludes.
    An excerpt from Karl Gerber’s 2007 Does This Make My Butt Look Big?


    • 4. Sweat Hogs, which musical group didn’t even exist in the 70s?

    • A. The Beatles
    • B. Blondie
    • C. The Knack
    • D. Depeche Mode
      The answer is D because they didn’t exist during those days I found myself walking the streets of Brooklyn, after Saturday Night, wondering just who I was and wanting to experiment. Oh s.it Scientology is going to kill me for saying this!

    • 5. Professor Kingsfield, tell what these action figures are called:

    • A. Cosmocots
    • B. Micronauts
      As depicted below, in 2013 we conducted an experiment in an unaltered 1977 dwelling we planned to demolish. After disposing of batteries leaking since the 1970s, and sending decomposing facial plastic to the hazardous waste dump, a bright ten year old recreated a 70s play scene. For the first time in decades these pieces of plastic and magnetic metal were reconnected, and the evil Baron Karza came back to life. We came to learn these time travelers are called Micronauts. Unfortunately, Baron Karza’s wrath left the dwelling as depicted below. The correct answer is B
    • C. Space Rescuers
    • D. Voyagers


  3. img_0775
    • 6. You know I always loved that organic cooking in the 70s so I can’t get this one right. Tell me which restaurant printed awesome (a word not used yet but I used it after the clock struck midnight and I pretended like I was in the 80's comics:

    • A. Denny’s
    • B. Pioneer Chicken
    • C. Bob’s Big Boy img_20160724_175641
      Since I was a health food junkie in the 70s I am not supposed to know the answer is C
    • D. The Sizzler

    • 7. Mrs. Avery, do you remember that annoying call I made to Sylvia during the 70s before we hooked up? I know you’re close to 100 now, but do you even remember the price of a local pay phone call in 70s?

    • A. A Dime (not a bag)
      Your Pusherman says the answer is A
    • B. A Nickel
    • C. A Quarter
    • D. Free

    • 8. Just like my ’75 Chevy Vega don’t run on no regular fuel, what else is likely to be true:

    • A. The Starwood Was in the Valley
    • B. Most A-List Musicians Stopped at the Palomino in North Hollywood
      Some years later a cow punk told me he knew a joint right over the hill; they drive directly there from North Hollywood so the answer must be B
    • C. Gays Were Not Comfortable at the Odyssey
    • D. The Beverly Center Was the In-Place to Hangout

    • 9. The 70s brought us a terrible song about a faded rose and the 118 Freeway. What other zeniths of culture were established in the decade of the Symbionese Liberation Army?

    • A. George Page Museum
    • B. Petersen Automotive Museum
    • C. MOCA
    • D. Both A and C
      Gloria Vanderbilt says the answer is D

    • 10. You know, I passed through the 70s in the Pussycat Theater or the Mitchell Brothers Theaters when in S.F., but may I ask what your favorite 70s porno was?

    • A. Debbie Does Dallas
      Ms. Chambers says Answer A is wrong! That flick came out in the 80s!
    • B. Behind the Green Door
    • C. Deep Throat
    • D. Don’t Ask Me This, I Hate 70s Porn!

    • 11. “Dick, what were you doing when the news hit the King passed?"

    • A. Evil K, don’t even talk that way! Last week I saw him in the basement of the MGM.
    • B. I was playing flag football at the Studio City Park
    • C. Nobody was trading Blue Chip Stamps anymore so I took mine to the dump
    • D. I was doing the thing Elvis did right before he OD’d but I got my stomach pumped and would you believe they found a Gerbil in me?
    • E. Any of the Above Takes You on a Wave Outta the 70s!
      Chico says the answer is B.

Epilogue: Good Bye Seventies may have meant the transitions of many of our lives closer to adulthood, but at least for me I breathed a sigh of relief when the clock struck 1980. The 70s was the peak of atrocious men’s hairstyles, ugliness, and many formative visions of the world for me. Oddly, I later longed to see pants suits, afros, and listen to deep tracks. Have a Sunny Day!